AUSTIN, TX - An exciting new mental health app has launched, bringing an entirely new approach to the industry. Historically, mental health apps have worked by providing calming, relaxing, affirming meditations and exercises that make people more confident in themselves and at peace with their surroundings. Anxiety works instead through “tough love,” motivating people by putting them down and triggering their urge to prove others wrong. When you listen to Anxiety you can expect to hear things like:
“You’re not good enough and you never will be!”
“There’s no way you can get done everything you need to today.”
“On that Zoom call, everyone noticed that pimple you have.”
“I can’t believe they hired you. You’re underqualified and you won’t be successful.”
“Your mom was right.”
“Why are you so lazy? All hail the king of procrastination!”
“You should just give up on whatever you’re doing. It’s gonna end up sucking anyways.”
All of these phrases have been scientifically proven to trigger anxiety in the brain, which releases cortisol and adrenaline, which actually gives you energy and helps you focus. The team behind Anxiety believes that this launch will usher in a new era of mental health support.
Coming up next on the product roadmap is a similar app they are calling “Scared,” an app that you leave running all day through your headphones that will randomly scare you, also thereby triggering adrenaline and cortisol release, helping you to focus. Sometimes it will be a person screaming, sometimes it will be an old lady telling you she’s come back from the dead, and sometimes it will be an environmental activist telling you the latest projections around rising sea levels, coral bleaching, deforestation, and melting polar ice caps.