May 11, 2021
Caligula Walker

VANCOUVER, BC - Squashr CEO Steve Bentley has announced that the company will be implementing a new culture fit policy to protect their preferred toxic environment. Bentley explained “We’ve been hearing all this mumbo jumbo about ‘culture add’ and ‘mental health’ and frankly I’m tired of it!” 

In terms of what this means for Squashr’s current employees, the company’s HR team released this list of new policies:

  • Employees are encouraged to hire whomever they like most or find most attractive.
  • No handshakes are allowed in the office; fist bumps or hugs only.
  • Every employee must come on the company snowboarding trip every winter (no skiing allowed).
  • All culture events must include alcohol and take place after regular working hours.
  • Employees will be awarded points for the number of Slack messages they send every day. Messages sent after 6pm will receive double points. Points can be redeemed for different IPAs from breweries around the world.
  • Our unlimited PTO policy will remain in place, however using it will send you on a PERMANENT vacation.
  • Any mention of feelings, children, or hopes and dreams will be penalized. Punishments will be determined based on the extent of the offending emotions. 

The reaction from the company’s young, single, male employees has been largely positive, and according to Bentley, that is the group he is focused on retaining. We asked several of these employees about the changes and the most common responses were that they found them “dope,” “slick,” and/or “Gucci.” 

Will this help or hurt Squashr in the long run? Only time will tell.

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